1. SPECIES INFORMATION

A. Classification and Nomenclature

1. Scientific Name: Homo sapiens masculus
2. Common Name: Man
3. Pertinent Synonyms: Guy, Dude, Bro, Hombre
4. Size of genus: 1 species
5. Family Classification: Hominidae


B. Description

An adult Man stands approximately 180 centimeters high and weighs about 80 kilograms, though these numbers can vary significantly. A coat of fur extends from above the eye line to the upper posterior portion of the neck. Skin color varies, and while generally uniform in texture and hue, it may feature distinctive markings such as pin-up girls, grim reapers or old English lettering. During colder months, a winter coat may appear in the form of a handlebar moustache or mutton chops.

Healthy Men generate a mildly acrid scent comprised of sweat, gasoline, hardwood, scotch whiskey and the hide of dead cattle. During a rutting period, this scent may be augmented with an alcohol-based after shave.




C. Significance of the Taxon

Man is the cornerstone of life on earth, and his continued existence is vital to the health of the planet.To date, Man is the only species capable of driving a 1969 Dodge Charger, operating a Microsoft X-box game console, converting simple grains into courage-boosting Tennessee whiskey, making cowboy boots out of other animals, turning redwood trees into balustraded sundecks, converting dead stegosauruses into high-octane racing fuel, spinning direct-drive turntables the wrong direction on purpose for a percussive scratching effect, videotaping (and distributing over the internet) part of his own reproductive cycle, helping pristine wilderness areas blossom into national caliber motocross tracks, and harvesting crystalline carbon from the earth’s crust to produce 6-inch iced-out nameplates.


D. Geographical Distribution

The geographical range of North American Man extends from Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, west to Laguna Seca International Raceway, and from Legends Gentlemen’s Club in Minot, North Dakota to the South Laredo Rodeo Grounds in South Laredo, Texas. Within this immense range, Man has been sighted at virtually every elevation, frequenting the below-sea-level billiard halls of New Orleans, Louisiana and driving commercial dump trucks at the 11,300-foot high molybdenum mine near Freemont Pass, Colorado.


E. Populations Known or Assumed Extirpated (extinct)

Throughout North America, once thriving populations of Men have all but disappeared.The melodious clang of the Pennsylvania Blacksmith’s hammer and the soothing hum of the Oregon Lumberjack’s chainsaw are largely inaudible. The St. Louis Riverboat Gambler died off near the end of the last century, followed closely into extinction by a symbiotic subpopulation, the St. Louis Riverboat Pilot. Gone are the Kansas City Cattle Baron, the San Francisco Railroad Baron and the Albany Steel Magnate. Even some of the more contemporary populations of Men have been decimated. The Barber has been uprooted by the Hair Stylist—an entirely different species than Man.The Vigilante has given way to the Whistleblower, and the Daredevil has been replaced with another non-Man species, the Sky Surfer.


F. Habitat Description

Man prefers a wide variety of natural surroundings. He may fraternize on the concrete slopes of an open-air sports coliseum, or he may retreat to the dark recesses of a local tavern for shelter from the elements. No stranger to high elevation, Man terrifies majestic elk as he rips through alpine terrain on 145-horsepower, 4-stroke snowmobiles. And he is equally at ease in the water, skimming across tropical wave tops at the helm of offshore racing boats, relaxing in the turbulent shallows of inland hot tubs, or sinking deftly beneath the ocean’s surface to spear beautiful, reef-dwelling fish. Man may construct a home almost anywhere, but is often hesitant to venture inside of it, preferring the cedar expanses of his adjacent sundeck, or the cozy confines of his well-appointed garage.


G. Diet

Man kills and eats animals. He marches them into meat packing plants, submerges them in zesty marinade, cooks them over an open flame, and serves them on paper plates. Stainless steel cutlery allows Man to hold delicious animal chunks in place, while he goes to work on them with sharp, blade-like incisors specially adapted for shearing meat. At one time or another, Man has eaten every animal on earth. In fact, Man’s curiosity about the taste of animals has even led him to eat ones that were already extinct! In 1900, Man scientists who found a 40,000- year-old wooly mammoth frozen in Beresovka, Siberia celebrated the discovery with a hearty banquet of mammoth steak.


H. Migration

In the spring, Man migrates to baseball stadiums, foraging on cold beer and heated, cylindrical helpings of slain pig.When the leaves begin to turn color, Man makes the arduous trek to nearby football stadiums, sipping from thermoses of heavily-spiked Irish coffee to compensate for the crisp fall weather. During the winter months, Man may retreat to a cabaret, where he is sustained almost entirely by lap dances. Then again, he may not retreat at all. If Man is in the mood, he will don special clothing filled with the feathers of dead geese and snowboard off a 30-foot cornice.



I. Herd Dynamics

Man is a social animal who tends to travel in pods.These pods, commonly referred to as “crews” or “posses,” usually have a defined hierarchy, with an alpha male situated at the top. Intracrew communication happens in the form of various handshakes, or the running of two crew members toward each other, followed by a synchronized jump and symbolic coming-together of the chests.


II. EVIDENCE OF THREATS OF SURVIVAL

A. Destruction, Modification or Curtailment of Habitat

1. Disappearance of the American Barbershop

Red and blue barber poles once swirled hypnotically across the North American landscape—marking sanctuaries where North American Man could discuss sports, second amendment rights and sexual indiscretions. But these safe havens have been replaced with “hair salons,” establishments that are lethal to Man. In 1997, the number of barbers in the U.S. was 70,900 compared to 54,000 this year. Meanwhile the number of hairstylists has leapt from 638,000 in 1997 to 669,000 today.

2. Decline of the American Gymnasium

Not to be confused with “health clubs,” where patrons straddle fancy machines with pastel-colored upholstery and sip fruit smoothies between sets, the gymnasium contains only free weights, a heavy bag and a water fountain. In these surroundings, Man became stronger and more able to fend off rivals for his territory or a mate. But American gyms have all but vanished, leaving Man in a weakened and vulnerable state.

3. Destruction of Important Migratory Grounds

Las Vegas, Nevada—once an important migratory destination where Man could rejuvenate himself with free drinks, gambling and legalized prostitution—has become a family destination. Equally disturbing is the decline of Route 66. This vital migratory route, which runs from Chicago to Los Angeles, afforded Man the opportunity to drive 18-wheelers, consume bowls of chili and make suggestive comments to sassy waitresses. However, commercialization of the route has turned it into a sad cavalcade of pasty, sandal-shod tourists.

4. Curtailment of ATV Land Access

In order to thrive, Man must have the ability to ride something with an internal combustion engine through pristine wilderness, sending giant spouts of loamy earth skyward as he opens the throttle and emits guttural war cries into the replaceable dust filter of his full-faced helmet. But in 1992, the Bureau of Land Management closed over 60-million acres of wilderness to Man, unless he entered them on foot (not an option, since nature walks are lethal to Man).

5. Modification of Workplace

Throughout the 1970s, Man’s office was equipped with a dedicated bar. Fashioned from exotic hardwood and stocked

with top shelf liquor, these bars sustained Man on the corporate battlefield and provided him with a valuable way to expedite interoffice courtships. Today, Man’s workspace is bereft of nutritious alcohol. Even worse, since the U.S. courts began interpreting sexual harassment as a formof illegal sex discrimination in the mid-1970s, Man can no longer grab the ass of a female coworker with impunity.

6. Loss of Rangeland to Chickens

Until recently, chickens destined for commercial use were properly confined to tiny steel cages. But with increased demand for “free range” chicken, many of these fat, flightless birds have been turned loose on open expanses of prairie, unspoiled rangeland that could be utilized by Man for paintball or some kind of Burning Man type thing.

B. Disease or Predation

In recent years, a new disease has advanced unseen across the American landscape. Mantropy. A cruel, degenerative disease that sets in during the best years of a Man’s life, causing the Man inside that Man to slowly wither and die until the victim is literally a husk of his former self. By attacking on a non-cellular, spiritual level, the disease often avoids detection until its victim is irreversibly hollowed-out.

Mantropy knows no social or economic boundaries, attacking Men of all races and tax brackets without warning. Although most of its victims are between 18 and 34, severe cases of Mantropy have been documented in Men of every age. And while there are no physical symptoms, subtle warning signs common to many afflicted Men have been documented.


C. Inadequacy of Regulatory Measures

The fact is, there are too many regulatory measures. Emission controls that prevent Man from using high performance exhaust systems. Roughing the passer penalties that prevent one Man from rendering another Man unconscious well after the ball has been thrown. Speed governors that won’t allow Man to do 110 in a 22-foot box van. Copyright laws that preclude Man from sharing mp3 files. Municipal noise ordinances that discourage Man from replacing the rear seat of his ’59 Impala with giant subwoofers.Wildlife statutes that make it illegal for Man to fish with dynamite. Heavy fines that make it expensive for Man to go street racing.Why, Man is being regulated right out of existence! The whole damned situation is inadequate.


D. Other Evidence of Threat

Liquid-cooled Harleys, egg substitutes, roadside assistance, synchronized diving, sensitivity training, hybrid cars, decaffeinated coffee, scented candles, recumbent bicycles, NASCAR restrictor plates, explicit lyrics stickers, in-line skates, aerobic kickboxing classes, the word “carb,” celebrity-endorsed grills, lightweight hiking boots, terry cloth wristbands (in non-sporting environments), and a whole bunch of other stuff that’s too sickening to write down.


III. LISTING RECOMMENDATIONS

The North American Man should be listed as endangered by the USFWS. Without an ESA Endangered listing, Man will surely succumb to the ravages of an effeminate, Feng shui world-gone-mad. But if you, the Fish and Wildlife Service, will intervene on his behalf by protecting him with Endangered status, Man can bounce back. He can once again roam North America in large numbers, living life with gusto and making the world a better place.

Also, it is recommended that Man be granted unlimited access to MAXIM Magazine, and be allowed to freely pursue the lifestyle outlined in its pages. This will give Man a fighting chance in the critical post-recovery period.


Respectfully submitted this 15th day of November, 2004,






LITERATURE CITED:


  1. Pretty much any DVD featuring Jenna Jameson or Chloe

  2. Don Aranow: The King of Thunderboat Row, Michael Aranow, Write Stuff Enterprises, June 1994

  3. Kill It and Grill It: A Guide to Preparing and Cooking Wild Game, Ted Nugent, Regnery Publishing, 2002

  4. The Path of the Pole, p. 261, Charles Hapgood, Adventures Unlimited Press, October 1999

  5. Backcountry Snowboarding, Christopher Van Tilburg, Mountaineers Books, September 1998

  6. United States Department of Labor Statistics Publication

  7. “Make Them Go Away,” ATV Illustrated, Bic Shaeffer, Tamarac Publications

  8. Litigating Sexual Harassment and Sexual Discrimination Cases, Elizabeth Hubbard, James Publishing

  9. Route 66: The Mother Road, Michael Wallis, St. Martin’s Press, 1992 Aniv. Ed.


Koblenz