Sanity Retention Device Provides Man the means to retain his sanity by immersing himself in college football games, rump-filled hip hop videos or PPV pornography.
	Veal Chunk Transfer Device Used to move little pieces of breaded baby cow from pools of marinara to the rear molars, where they are crushed into even smaller pieces and sent to the upper GI tract.
	Freestyle Landscaping Device Aboard this wondrous contraption, Man can whimisically sculpt the forest, creating deep ruts and massive berms wherever he fancies.
	Mate-Procuring Headgear During rutting periods, indicates to members of the opposite sex that the wearer is affluent and adept at procreation.
	Machine-Improving Machine This machine, installed inside another, larger machine, turbo-charges that larger machine so it can do what it does even faster than it normally does it.
	Rent Money Acquisition Machine Should a Man blow his rent money on a set of 22-inch rims, he can recoup the loss by challenging other men to a duel of miniature, plastic, catatonic soccer.
	Chin Splitter Ostensibly designed to protect the wearer's arm, the real purpose of this device is to help the wearer hit an opposing player underneath the facemask and cause a terrible laceration.
	Deer Grinder After Man plugs a Whitetail Deer with a 30-60, this ingenious device allows him to convert the carcass into mouth-watering, protein-rich venison burgers.
	Handshake Development Tool After a period of several weeks, this tool enables one Man to grab hold of another Man's hand in a way that lets that other Man know that the first Man is not to be trifled with.
	Territory Indicator Allows Man to mark his territory, preferably with a 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom Tudor mansion that includes a detached 3-car garage.
	Pro-Bono Dentistry Kit This handy item makes it simple for one Man to remove the incisors and canines of another Man, entirely free of charge.
	Magic Belt A crazy, magical tool belt that allows the wearer to pretty much do whatever the hell he wants to do and no one else can do anything about it.
	Man Alphabet These four symbols form the basic language used by Man. Without them he would be entirely unable to communicate with others of his kind.
	Legal Rampage Control Unit Allows Man to legally punch people, shoot people, drive over people, hit people with golf clubs, or back over people who have just been driven over.
	Reading Machine Causes Man to grab the nearest publication and pour over its contents with real intellectual thirst. Induces moments of quiet reflection between articles.
	Atlantic Salmon Surpriser A really sharp hook which has been decorated with the feathers of an exotic rooster which has in turn been decapitated with a blue steel machete.
	Respect Garnering Apparatus Any man who can join two pieces of metal together with fire is sure to be held in the highest esteem by all the other Men around him. Multiplies a Man's worth by tenfold.
	Goalpost Planting Device This device allows Man to plant majestic goalposts where invasive hardwoods once stood, turning tragically forested land into beautiful, manicured football fields.
	Cheerleader Viewing Device Used at NBA games to project busty cheerleaders hopping up and down during intermissions, enlarging them for every man in the venue to see.
	Religious Icon Sparks a fuel/air mixture, which results in an explosion, which drives a piston, which rotates a camshaft, which turns a wheel, which merits worship.
	Grouper Coercion Device An ingenious machine that helps Man coax big fat grouper fish to the center of handsomely garnished dinner plates.
	Panty Remover This apparatus provides Man with easy access to a wide array of fermented beverages, which once opened, enhance the decision-making ability of prospective mates.
	Meaning of Life Used to attach small things together, forming bigger things which are then attached together to make even bigger things to infinity.
	Universal Key Provides Man instant entry to any home or automobile that he may need to access for some reason or another. Also makes a terrific war hammer.
	Aggression Transfer Satchel Sometimes a Man must transfer his aggression into a padded, upholstered bag instead of another Man's face to avoid being arrested. This tool is for those times.
	Superiority Signal When one Man vanquishes all the other Men in a short-track NASCAR event, he can cement his superiority by burning-out the infield while holding this flag out the window.
	Reproduction Documentor With this clever invention, Man can videotape and distribute over the internet the pivotal part of his own reproductive cycle.